How to be a Scum Bag Advertiser

How to Spin Bad News

Create alternate event descriptions:
People didn't buy from lower-priced competitors; they delayed premium buying decisions.

I delay decided NOT to buy your over priced crud ! I mean I mean ... I delayed a premium buying decision...

so how do I say "No, you're stuff is crud, I aint buying it ?" in this parlance ? Ummm.... you don't.

You didn't have ineffective marketing; you delayed premium advertising to coincide with the delayed buying decisions.

Our sales team doesn't suck ! We just some how psychically knew it wouldn't work so they didn't try very hard this quarter , thats all !

You aren't laying off sales employees; you're elevating the consumer's experience through added independence.

We didn't fire half our staff ! We just decided the consumer was smart enough not to have ten people holding their hand while they wandered the store looking lost and calling out for someone to help them. Yeah , thats what we did. We enhanced their shopping experience with the independence you get from wandering alaska alone with no help at all ,yeah yeah ...

Roleplay and improve: To do this properly, it takes a group of people dedicated to the result. You will need several "devil's advocate" types to listen to the presentation and slice it to pieces. You want to know every possible argument ahead of time. Use small focus groups and make the presentation, then tweak it, then do it again. Each time the backlash is reduced, you've made an effective improvement. Eventually (after 4 or 5 sessions) you should get to a stable point.

practice practice practice dropping this bomb in the most delicate manner possible. Ah ...this explains why you can never understand what these goof balls are saying.

We have decided to enhance the shopping experience through customer independence and personal responsibility.

((what what ? Oh ... no clerks to help you and please don't shop lift))


Prepare your audience: You're not going to just jump in and make your presentation. You want the audience to be receptive to your information. Start leaking information that is favorable to your position and negative to any alternate position. You will neither confirm nor deny this information, but you will caution people that any information about your corporation will come from official sources, only.


Drop a leak ! hey , I've seen this so many times. So thats what they're doing. Bozo's.


# Go Public: Release your information. Publicly and loudly. A surprise press conference (that was rumored to be in the works) is an effective and time-tested method. Whether you have a Q&A session after will really depend on how good your spin is and, to a large extent, how prepared you are. It's also a matter of personal taste.


ha ha ..then hold the press conferance.

And of course , the number one rule for spin doctors everywhere !

Don't fall for your own spin. It sounds good, makes sense... but seriously, you know better. You built the twist - don't let it go to your head.

Yeah , your spin is for other fools to believe ! You know you're lying your head off , don't believe it!!!!